She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.