My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions