Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment