She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
