I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Randomize
