Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Even my vagina gasped.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
