Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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