Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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