Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize