Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
