the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
