I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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