what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
