I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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