I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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