Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
