The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
