White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
