and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
