Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
