He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
