My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
false alarm. still invincible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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