I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
