He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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