You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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