I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
