It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
The Olympian is in my bed
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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