My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
