i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
