i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
