A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
