He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
