My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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