1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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