Pappa wants mamma naked
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we're chasing vodka with high fives
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Randomize
