I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
