The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
