i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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