if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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