please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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