If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
