why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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