people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
