Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
