I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
