So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
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What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
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I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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