I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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