her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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