K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
