Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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