i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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