If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
