omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
