You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
