We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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