my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
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I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
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The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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