FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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