Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
