You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
