Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
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My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize