i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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