you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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