I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
